pretty creative..

hello world, guess i haven't typed up anything in awhile. i find pictures that say it all for me so i guess i've been a little lazy. there's been so much going on in my life and yet nothing at all. i'm sure you've heard me say that in the past too. it's like...even though there's a lot going on, if i attempt to share it, it doesn't turn out to be much. a lot of times, i put on a face for everybody to see. so nobody knows that there's something wrong or that i have issues. most people just think i'm this cheerful girl who can't be hurt because i act like nothing can affect me. but honestly, when i'm away from everyone, that cheerful girl just disappears. because i'm left to myself to deal with issues in my life. it's not that i like to keep to myself...i just don't know how to talk to others about my problems and i just find it a lot easier to keep everything to myself. because of my past experiences, i put up walls to protect myself from getting hurt. but i'm starting to notice that people are getting annoyed that it's so hard to get to know...so hard to be close and personal with me . they tell me lots about themselves and always ask for my advice/help but i never seem to share things about me. i'm afraid of letting people into my life...because once they get too close, there's always a chance something goes wrong and you end up getting hurt. i wish i could trust as easily as i did before...i wish i could go back to that girl i was a year or two ago. but honestly, as much as i wish to go back in time, i can't. this is who i am now and what kind of personality i have. i pretend to be this tough girl that nobody can come close to but even i get tired of wearing a mask. i'm so use to it now that i just leave the mask on...forgetting to take it off; forgetting who i really am. i had a friend tell me the other day that i can have anything i want...i just gotta work towards it; earn it. but honestly, that's not 100% true. there are so many things i want in life, and it seems like it's hard to reach. i had something that i never wanted to let go...and then i had no choice but to let it slip out of my hands. there has never been a day that i don't want that thing back. i just know i can never have it again. and i feel like the harder it is for me to reach it, the more i want to work for it but it gets so frustrating because the more i reach for it, the further it gets. i could give everything up if i could have that one thing back. i keep dwelling on the past...never seem to want to move forward. i know i should be working on my future but sometimes it is so hard to let things go from the past. i miss when i was 7 and all i had to worry about was where my crayons went. it's like sometimes, i just overflow with all these emotions that i can't explain but i just feel and it just makes me....sad.