March.28/2012

hello world,
i hate it when a song can bring back memories and incidents of the past that you may not necessarily want to remember or may want to put aside for a little while but then the song comes on and it brings it all back. for me, the song posted below is the best and worst song. i can't listen to it without feeling a little pain. when i had told my boyfriend at the time that i was coming home for good, he told me that this was the song that came to mind. of course, after listening to the lyrics that night, i just teared. there was still a month left before i was going home but at that time, it just made me realize that i would have to leave him...for good =/ he has a thing for technology so for our anniversaries, he makes memorable videos for me and it always leaves me with a smile, making me realize why i love him so much. until our last anniversary, our one year anniversary...he just had to add that song in at the end. to make it worse, the ending captions said "saying goodbye isn't the hardest part. it's what we leave behind that's tough. but remember, every goodbye makes the next hello closer". the song, the captions, pictures&videos of a whole year together just made me regret my decision to leave.
we had been through so much. in the beginning, it took me so long to trust and like him. he kept proving to me over and over again that he would always be there.i had finally decided to let my guard down and let him into my life. throughout the year, i can't count how many times he has helped me in situations where i'm stuck and/or in trouble. i cannot stress how much i've been a burden to him with the poor decisions ive made. and yet, he still loved me and dealt with me through it all. our relationship got shaky from summer break onward. being far away from each other for 4 months with a time difference is hard =/ we grew distant and when we started school again, it was not the same. nothing but arguments everyday. at the time, when i had decided to come home, i honestly couldn't wait to leave just so i could get away from all the arguing and the pain that came with it. but the day that i had to say goodbye, was the day i realized that leaving hurt more than all the fights we had. having to get in the car and leave him...it was a horrible day. i just didn't want to let go when i was hugging him goodbye. with tears running down my face, he kept telling me that it was going to be okay. the 2-hour drive to the airport wasn't any better. i tried so hard not to cry because it would've been alittle awkward with my friend and his roommate there. so i just kept tearing up quietly. it would've been easier if he didn't keep on calling me the whole ride there. i tried to ignore his calls because talking to him, hearing his voice would only make things worse. and when i finally decided to pick up his call, he had said that he just wanted to check and see how i was doing. of course, the tears came rolling down again. that day was just horrible all together. possibly the worst day of my life so far. i dont know what the point is from this post. i guess i just needed to get it all out after hearing that song. i definetly wish i could go back in time...but there's no such thing.

and if you ever read this, i just want to say that i'm sorry for the way i acted throughout the year that we were together that brought stress or added to your stress. i know that sometimes i over exaggerate on my feelings and act in a way that annoys you and i know often i drain the energy out of you but i just want to thank you for putting up with me and loving me through it all and not giving up on me. you taught me a lot when i was there and i am thankful that God put you in my life. so many times, i would get annoyed at you but i couldnt see that you were only trying to help me. i was always in the depressing mood because i was so tired of arguing with you that it made you not even want to be around me. the last 4-5 months of our relationship...i was so afraid to lose you that my actions eventually led that to happening. i think the saying goes..."i kicked myself in the butt". although leaving you and coming home was the hardest and most painful part, im glad that i got to have memories and experiences with you. i know we dont talk much nowadays but i hope we dont lose contact for good. i will always love you and i will always miss you. you will always have a place in my heart. i wish you the best in all that you do and remember to always put God first =)

it brings me to tears to write this post but its everything that i need to say and i just hope that one day, when i hear this song, instead of missing the good old times, i will smile from it.